Markus and I had our cleanings at our dentist, Pure Dental, today. I am particuarly fond of my dentist for its friendly staff and for it's green-minded approach to running a medical office. Everything is paperless, I get my appointment reminders by email and text and there are organic and eco-friendly options for many of the treatments.
They also have awesome patient rooms with flat screens where you can watch TV during your cleaning! I've watched really cool National Geographic videos during cleanings and today was The Office, which I was really excited about until things happened that I shall explain with time (consider this my plot exposition).
|So great, unless you are crazy and then it is not so great.|
Zoom is a 45 minute long process and your mouth is kept open where you are unable to speak. Since our dentist is wise enough to realize most adults do not need a babysitter for 45 minutes, you're only checked on every 15 minutes or so but given a squeak toy in case you need something. (And so we continue to build the plot exposition...)
|Markus models the whitening accessories.|
I got in my chair and got set up. Everything was going great until one very particular episode of The Office had to come on and reveal my deep, dark ugly secret to everyone in the dentist's office.
The secret is this: I want a baby so, so badly. I've had baby fever before, where for a week or so you stare at babies in the grocery store and look at nurseries on Pinterest or whatever and then you go to dinner with your friends or accomplish something awesome at work and it passes by. This round hasn't budged since the beginning of the year. It just seems like it's time to be thinking about when the baby comes and meeting with people to begin making it happen. There are a lot of things on our "things to do before we have a baby" checklist that are checked off, but some big ones aren't and so baby time is not here for our family. For me to personally stay in my own life without getting comparitive or throwing pity parties or beginning to get resentful for any sweet person blessed with a baby right now, if you are pregnant and my Facebook friend you are bye-bye from my news feed for the time being. I love reading blogs of new moms because I feel like the longer format has taught me so much for when its my turn, so blogs are sticking around for the moment. But TV episodes where America's favorite couple welcomes their first baby into their happy marriage? Not right now, thank you.
So the episode of The Office that comes on while I am trapped in my seat with no one to turn to is where we watch Jim and Pam welcome their baby into the world and everyone can't believe it and isn't this the happiest day of their lives and Jim is an adorable mess and Pam is calm but then nervous and they get through it together because it's JAM AND PAM EVERYONE and all the people who love them knew they could do it and will never forget this day.
Markus wrapped up his whitening and came in to find me fetal in my dentist chair, sweating and sobbing, my mouth stretch over my whitening device but still quivering and completely overcome with emotion. Poor man had to run to the front desk and beg them to turn off the television. And that is how "Crazy Baby Lady" came to be written on my dental file. I guess the good news is I have six whole months before I have to see them again?
This is something I never expected to blog about or share but if it's good enough for my dentist's office, it's good enough for the blog, right? I've been trying to keep Crazy Baby Lady (CBL?) from consuming my life or becoming public knowledge but with crying jags 1-4 times a week and the inability to watch episodes of The Office, I'm making this post my official ownership of my want for a baby.
I think it's kind of difficult for me because I was never looking for my husband in school, was not the type of girl to meet a guy at 21 and marry him at 24 - the numbers on this scream "connects being married with her own self-worth" to me for some reason when I always thought I would be the girl traveling for work with nothing in my refrigerator but a box of baking soda. Wanting a baby with my husband only three years after being married makes me feel so decidely wifey and not working-girl-who-is-also-married. When I think of all of that I've accomplished in my twenties, the cornerstone is the family dynamic that I've built with Markus. So being a happy wife who hopes for happy babies was not the career goal of my twenties, but it came to me and it is changed my life and I am owning it without shame or thinking that it means I am any less smart or ambitious. And it starts at the dentist apparently.